It's really a misnomer, but it took thirty some odd years to figure that out. In preparation for our move to Sweden a couple of years ago I read Culture Shock! Sweden hoping to arrive armed with details of the intracies of Swedish culture. I did learn some helpful tidbits there about etiquette, particularly timeliness and being a guest in someone's home.
What I wasn't prepared for was the commute bubble in which everyone seems to travel. Buses and subway cars are filled with folks almost consciously going out of their way to avoid eye contact with a fellow bubbled-traveler. As I understand it, the idea is that it is imposing on someone's privacy or space to engage them in any way. So people go about their travels and days focused or dazed, but completely trying (or perhaps it is only I and the occassional expat who feels that they have to make an effort to do this) to ignore those around them. While I do miss the occassional gregarious fellow commuter from my days in the US, I do like the anonymity that you can feel here.
But the ignoring sometimes feels like coldness and rudeness, and at first is quite a surprise. Once I grew accustomed to, or at least aware of, this Swedish behavior it explained a lot. For instance it isn't unusual to be hit by an errant bag or pushed, sometimes with a bit of "accidental" force, as people move about - on public transport, through stores, along sidewalks - without a single acknowledging word or apology. And, it isn't, as I recently learned, normal to offer your seat to someone else who might need it...say a very pregnant woman for example. When I was about four months along I saw a very pregnant woman on a crowded car, standing, and offered her my seat. The thanks that I got worried me - such a smile and appreciation made me wonder whether in the coming months as my belly exploded and my balance was challenged, would any fellow traveler do the same for me? The answer, sad to say, is no, they wouldn't. During the months that I was quite visibly pregnant I was on the bus very frequently and only once was a seat offered to me. The irony is that it happened to be on the day that I went into labor. When I mentioned my surprise about this lack of "common courtesy" to some of my Swedish friends and colleagues, they were shocked. There seemed to be a consensus among them that had they seen a very pregnant woman standing they would definitely offer up their seat. But I can't help but wonder whether the bubble in which they travel keeps them from ever noticing.
Seems that the idea of common courtesy is really culture specific. Here, common courtesy includes not imposing yourself on others (the bubble), which completely challenges the common courtesy I grew up with in the US. It's a part of culture shock that still challenges me, but it is a part of the experience of living abroad.
I was talking to a friend today from a small town in the US and she said she felt people in Boston were cold to strangers. I just kept thinking about how people in Boston actually say excuse me, or crack a joke to a fellow passenger on the T compared to in Stockholm. I've seen so many strangers strike up conversations in Boston since I've been back from Stockholm and people give up seats for the elderly (although there is always that one person who is too engrossed in a book). Also note, I did not say pregnant women, because there are hardly any here in Boston that I notice - I saw them _everywhere_ in Stockholm! So basically I think my friend from small-town-USA is having her own kind of culture shock.
Posted by: Bettan | February 24, 2011 at 09:37 AM
My experience has been that people will never start up a conversation, but anyone that I've needed to ask directions from or general, 'help what do I do here' questions, has been really nice. Maybe they were making fun of me behind my back, but at least they always answer my questions!
Posted by: Carly | March 02, 2011 at 12:29 AM
I just moved to Stockholm not even 2 months ago. I was searching the internet and found your blog and I love it! I too am blogging over here: http://theadventuresofmatilda.blogspot.com/
Hope you get a chance to check it out!
Posted by: Matilda | March 04, 2011 at 07:44 AM